It’s been a while since I vomited here. I’ve been extraordinarily busy. This is not the result of too much work, though some may argue that it is. It is the result of a series of “little” lupus hiccoughs that have been causing “little” setbacks in work. These “little” setbacks start to pile up. Then, once these “little” series of lupus hiccoughs are over and I have a moment to breathe without the jostling effect of lupus, there is this enormous mountain for me to work through, only for the next series of hiccoughs to begin.
The latest thing to flare, the oh-so-lovely temporomandibular joint disorder or TMJ syndrome; one of many secondary disorders that some lupus patients have.
Normally, the effects of this I do not notice. They are constantly there, but after living with such a condition for so long, you learn how to ignore it, which isn’t always a good thing. But you drown out the constant ear pain. You learn to ignore the dull, aching pain that is always in your face. If you didn’t ignore these things, then nothing would get done.
But then, KABLOOEY! IT FUCKING EXPLODES INSIDE OF YOUR HEAD LIKE A BAGILLION MEGA-TONNE ATOMIC BOMB! POW! KABLAM! ZONK! Because you were a fucking dumb-dumb head who became so use to ignoring the constant minor annoyances, you neglected to notice when the inflammation was approaching critical mass until it is too late.
Or at least, that is what I do.
I’m the fucking dumb-dumb head who has been ignoring the migraines that happen immediately following eating for well over a month. Well, maybe the migraine thing wasn’t so much ignoring as it was making the assumption that it was the result of my lupus CNS issues, and forgetting that it could also be my TMJ stuff. So instead of increasing my muscle relaxants and anti-inflammatories, I was monitoring myself for the signs of another stroke. Oh the fucking joys of lupus where one little symptom could be the result of a thousand different things. Seriously, lupus. You fucking suck!
I’m the fucking dumb-dumb who has been ignoring the little popping and locking every time I talk, eat or drink, and the increasing pain and discomfort while doing those things, for well over two months.
I’m the fucking dumb-dumb who’s been ignoring the increased dizziness, or rather thinking it was my CNS shit instead and, as a result, monitoring my cognitive functions while ignoring the increased throbbing pain in my face.
I’m the fucking dumb-dumb who’s been ignoring the increased pain in my neck and shoulders.
I’m the fucking dumb-dumb who’s been ignoring the well over a month of waking up multiple times throughout the night because I’m in so much god damn pain.
Don’t get on me for calling myself a fucking dumb-dumb. It helps me keep myself in check. And maybe next time I won’t ignore it until that one morning when — that one morning when happens to be this morning –…
I opened my bloody mouth to yawn and LOCK! POP! OMFG THE PAIN IS UNBEARABLE! SOMEONE PLEASE KILL ME! Immediate tears start to swell in my pathetic eyes and now Jules is grumpygus for the rest of the day…
And now I can’t chew at all… well not exactly at all but it took me close to 20 minutes to chew on green pea pod thing and another 20 minutes to chew 5 grains of rice and another 20 minutes to chew a well-cooked carrot sliver and another 20 minutes… well you get the idea.
And now I can barely drink. You have no idea how much your jaw goes in a backwards/forwards motion when you are swollowing until you’ve fucked up your jaw so badly that you cannot do it without a lot of careful thought and consideration because one wrong move and it is LOCK! POP! OMFG THE PAIN IS UNBEARABLE! SOMEONE PLEASE KILL ME! MY JAW IS BEING RIPPED OUT OF MY FACE! MAKE IT STOP!
And now I can barely talk because I think I’m Superman and can ignore things because I’m tough and strong and nothing can touch my special ass… except for maybe lupus because it is the bloody kryptonite someone planted in the medal I received for surviving hundreds of lupus flares and a stroke. What kind of jerk would do that!
So, yeah… that is how I’m doing today. Taken out of the game due to a “little” series of hiccoughs that decides to suddenly go all thermal-nuclear war on my ass. IT’S LIKE ARMAGEDDON INSIDE OF MY FACE! LUPUS IS FUCKING MY FACE! I can think of much better things I’d like to have fuck me in the face.
So now I sit and wait. Try not to talk too much over the next 12 hours. Fill myself full of extra muscle relaxers and NSAIDS. Starve. Become dehydrated. Hope that is passes quickly so that I don’t have to start another series of painful corticosteroid injections. And maliciously hope that one day I’ll be able to return the favour and fuck lupus in the face.